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Friday, November 15, 2002

Hey Carm, What's For Lunch?


Life has been busy lately, and my computer at home crashed.

But this was too good not to share.

As some of you know, I work at a certain gentleman's club in New York.

Well, right now, as I write this, three of the biggest actresses around are having LUNCH together upstairs.

Sally field, Kathleen Turner and Edie Falco.

The Flying Nun, Serial Mom and Carmela Soprano.

I would LOVE to go and talk to them (Edie especially), but doing so would likely cost me my job.

This sucks eggs.

I may have to go and "talk" to the front-end manager in a little while to catch a glimpse.


I am SUCH the starfucker...

Pity me...

Lee 11/15/2002 01:13:00 PM [+]

Wednesday, November 06, 2002

The Proposal

I am doing this in honor of my 4th wedding anniversary today.

(Yay me, yay Mrs. Potch!)

This is the story of:


January, 1997.

My wife has just sold the house owned by her and her brother, which they inherited from their mother.

After an exhausting one month search, we get an apartment on a main street in the same town she lived in already.

We have been dating almost three years by now, living together for about a year at said house.

We are set to move on January 18th.

But I have a little surprise in mind.

The move itself is rather tiring (thanks to moving into a 2nd floor apartment), yet quick and effieicent. By 6 PM, we have emptied a house and filled a one bedroom apartment and a storage closet.

My wife's oldest sister and her husband have stayed behind to help sort some stuff out.

They are all in the kitchen going through their mother's jewlery box.

I excuse myself to go pick up some last things left at my mother's apartment from when I lived there.

I go to mom's and pick up: Some board games, some comic books, my near legendary collection of porn (Rob...), my Yankees posters...

And an engagement ring my mother has been holding for me.

It is a simple gold band with two baguettes flanking a half-carat diamond which has been handed down through the generations in my mom's family.

I love it.

My mom loves it.

I know my girlfriend Sheila will love it.

I head back to the apartment with the ring in it's box in my jacket pocket.

I get home and hang up my jacket in the hall.

Sheila's sister and brother-in-law are leaving.

The moment is here.

"Can you put the jewlery box in the bedroom for me?"


I do this then go and collapse on the couch.

I am as nervous as I have ever been.

And I begin the proceedure.



Can you get the flashlight from my jacket pocket? I'm dead tired.

I smile.

"I'm tired too. Get it yourself."


Uhhh, Sheil... Can you please get it?

"Oh, fine."

She looks and can't find it. I remember there are four pockets.

"Where is it?"

Right lower pocket.

She checks every pocket except this one.

"You must have left it in the car."

She sits down across from me.

I look at her.

I look at the jacket.

I look at her.

I can NOT believe she can't find the ring box...

I get up and go to the jacket.

Well, plan shot to hell, go traditional.

I grab the ring and come back to the living room where Sheila sits.

I get down on one knee.

I am sweating bullets.

I am amped up on adrenaline.

I can barely speak.

I open the ring box.

Sheila... Will you marry me?

She laughs at me.

I die a MILLION deaths in a heartbeat.

I am crushed.

I am devastated.

I never hear her say, "Put that back, silly."

She sees I am upset.

"Come on, I'm tired... No games... Put it back..."

P-p-put... Put WHAT back?

"The ring. Put it back in my mother's jewlery box..."

The jewlery box?

"Yeah, funny. Good joke. Now put it back."


"Yeah. It's a joke, right?"

Uhhhh... No...

"Wait a min..."

Sheila, I bought this ring... I am seriously asking you to be my wife.




I collapse into her arms.

"I am SOOOOOO sorry... I thought you were kidding!"



I love you.

"I love you."

Lee 11/06/2002 03:12:00 PM [+]

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